How To Be Happy

sherrymft — Tue, 22 Jun 2010 02:14:02 +0000

Do you know how to be happy? This could sound like a strange question, but too often people think happiness is something that happens TO them. Let’s stop a moment and see if we can properly define happiness. Webster’s seems to think it is the following: ”a state of well-being and contentment.” This seems about right, but let’s talk about HOW to achieve a state of well-being and contentment.

The Apostle Paul (of the New Testament) learned to be content no matter what his circumstances. That’s pretty amazing. How did he do this? Paul knew his purpose, his mission in life, and he carried it out while trusting God to completely provide for his needs. Paul talked a lot about thinking about things that are good, righteous, truthful, and of good report so it becomes obvious that Paul knew the secret of transforming his thought-life. If you want to read more, follow Paul on his life-journey by reading Acts, Romans, Philippians, Colossians and/or Ephesians in the New Testament.

Groucho Marx said, “Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn’t arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I’m going to be happy in it.” (Maybe we should call him Happy Marx instead of “Groucho”.)

The Dalai Lama believes that happiness can be achieved through compassion and training the mind. He often emphasizes creating contentment (happiness) in the mind by thinking compassionate thoughts toward self and others as well as doing compassionate behaviors.

Most experts concur that happiness is indeed a state of mind. But what contributes to our state of mind? As a holistic-oriented counselor, I believe that all three parts of us (mind, body, spirit) can contribute to our state of mind. If our physical body is ailing, it affects our brain, our clarity of thought and our mood, so it behooves us to nourish our body and mind with proper foods and nutrients. If our spiritual life is out of whack, this too impacts our whole being. I’ll be addressing the physical components in future newsletters, so stay tuned.

For the purpose of this newsletter, let’s focus on the mind. We know that thoughts drive our feelings and feelings drive our behaviors. Behaviors then in turn help to create thoughts and feelings within us and thus, the loop continues around. Ideally, we can get into a positive loop, but life sometimes deals us difficult cards.

What does it take to interrupt a negative loop? What if your thought says, “There is no way I can get up and speak in front of this large group of people.”? Then, we feel nervous, our voice shakes, our knees quake, we feel sick to our stomach and wouldn’t you know it – we get up to speak and feel terrible so we perceive that we performed terribly. Then we say to ourselves, “See? I stink – let’s not do that again,” and the phobia becomes more deeply entrenched.

Let’s see how we interrupt this loop. Perhaps we change our thought to, “I feel nervous about speaking, but I know that I can work through the shaky voice, the quaking knees and deliver my well-thought out presentation if I have notes and cues.” Then the behavior is that we get up and speak, we feel the nervousness, but we use our notes and speak through the fear. This completes the feedback loop and gives our brain feedback that we can indeed do something even while we feel fearful. Then, the next time we get up to speak, we feel a tad less nervous and it lasts just a little less longer.

Okay – so back to how to be happy. How about giving yourself the feedback (thoughts) that happiness resides in you – your state of mind. Then, determine right then and there to find something beautiful in that difficult moment. Focusing on something you are grateful for or that gives your artist’s brain (yes, we are ALL artists) something beautiful to appreciate.

It may be different for you, but for me it helps to look around me in nature for nearby beauty. If I’m feeling discouraged, or sad, or overwhelmed, I can still stop, breathe in some air, and look around for some sort of visual aid. My visual aid might come in the form of the creamy but bright yellow petals of a nearby tulip. It might be the crease right down the center of a leaf or a snapshot view of the blue sky behind the leafy-green branches of a tree. See what works for you – perhaps you can find visual aids that speak happiness to you.

As you tune in to the present moment and actively seek out that which is good or beautiful – you distract yourself away from the negative thought and replace it with grateful, appreciative thoughts. Grateful, appreciative thoughts create positive feelings and our behavior tends to follow suit.

Another approach might be smiling. What?!!! That’s right. Research has found that the act (behavior) of smiling, even if you don’t feel like it, sends messages from the nerve endings in your face to your brain that say, “Oh, she is smiling, we must be happy”. Then your brain works to create that state of happiness. Along the same lines, doing something good for someone can stimulate happy thoughts and feelings.

If happiness is a content state of mind, then anxiety comes from a discontent state of mind, so a quick word about anxiety. Anxiety typically comes around when we focus on thoughts about the past or the future. When we purposefully bring ourselves back into the present moment while keeping an eye out for beauty and goodness, we banish anxiety and invite contentment. So, the lesson from this is – STAY PRESENT. When your thoughts wander to that bill you’re worried about paying (future), pull your thoughts back to your present moment. Use your visual aid, your breathing, or smile, and do a behavior that provokes happiness in your brain.

Here’s one more quote I just couldn’t resist – “If you observe a really happy man you will find him building a boat, writing a symphony, educating his son, growing double dahlias in his garden. He will not be searching for happiness as if it were a collar button that has rolled under the radiator.” – W. Beran Wolfe

Here’s to your experimenting with creating happiness within yourself – Shalom.

Protected: Creative Imagery Audio Project for guided relaxation

Leigh — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 20:33:02 +0000

Personality Differences

sherrymft — Sun, 16 May 2010 05:45:25 +0000

Knowing the differences in personalities is vitally important to the health of your relationships. Just as we are born with a preference to use our left hand or right hand, so also we are born with preferences toward different personality traits. This affects how we make decisions, what kind of information we pay attention to first, the way we re-energize, and how we prefer to structure our time.

Here is an example of how knowing personality differences helps relationships: a husband cannot understand why his wife won’t go out to very many social events with him. He is very social, talkative and energized when with other people, while his wife is energized when she has quiet and alone time. Myer-Briggs Personality Assessment has identified an Extravert as a person who gets re-energized by being with people and someone who best processes their thoughts out loud, while the introvert gets re-energized by spending time alone and best processes their thoughts internally. If you understand these crucial differences, you can better interact with your friends, spouses, and family members who may be the opposite type of you.

If you are an extravert trying to communicate with an introverted personality type, they may become confused or impatient with you as you seem to continually process your thoughts out loud (which seems like verbalizing half-baked ideas to them). If you are an introvert trying to communicate with an extravert, the extraverted type may become frustrated when you do not respond out loud to them right away due to the fact that you need quiet time away from the conversation to process your thoughts before you speak.

Give each other time and space to process and communicate the way their brain needs to do it. Make allowances for the amount of time you expect your loved one to spend in the company of others or time alone. Understanding your differences are natural-born preferences, helps you to keep from taking things personally or to keep you from judging them harshly.

Depression – Use your struggle to grow

sherrymft — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 23:15:36 +0000

Depression effects many people at different times in their lives. Depression can be circumstantial, genetically-based, linked to other illness (chronic pain, heart disease . . .) and it can be experienced by men and women alike, but differently.

Men typically experience depression symptoms that include but are not limited to: lack of motivation or energy, isolating from others, increased or decreased appetite, anger/irritability, anxiety and feeling hopeless or helpless. Sometimes men might also experience sadness and crying.

Women experience depression symptoms that include all of the above, but are more likely to feel sad, weepy and “blue”, crying often and feeling overwhelmed.

There are many treatments that are extremely effective for depression: counseling (cognitive therapy, art therapy, EMDR, and Lifespan Integration), medications, vitamins and natural supplements, acupuncture, exercise and others. See your health care practitioner to determine the best course of action for you.

In the meanwhile, you can grow emotionally and spiritually while you work through the difficulties of feeling low. Depression can teach you to take better care of yourself. Perhaps you need to say “no” more often to favors or un-necessary meetings. Perhaps you need to take a “mental-health” day now and then to just veg at the beach or your nearest nature spot. Depression can teach you to monitor and challenge your thoughts. When you hear negative thoughts and beliefs circulating through your head, banish them with new, more truth-based thoughts.

Humans tend to do most of our growing while under pressure or hardship – so make good use of depressed seasons of your life to learn, grow, and find out how to maintain joy despite your circumstances.

Making Your Marriage a Good One

sherrymft — Wed, 06 Jan 2010 06:52:06 +0000

When you are committed to your spouse, it is wise to remember that your relationship will have good times as well as difficult times. Sticking it out during the difficult times quite often will pay off and lead to renewed good times again. Statistics show that couples who stay together during these hard times, when interviewed later, report that good times came around again.

One way to ensure good times come around again is to get marriage counseling that will help each spouse learn new and better communication tools, learn how to love one another in their respective “love languages”, and learn how to put eachother’s needs back on top (priority). Giving your spouse a little grace, while setting some appropriate boundaries can bring health and vigor back to your relationship. Write in with your questions, comments, ideas. This blog is meant to be a two-way communication, not just a one-way lecture.

Change your Thoughts, Change your Feelings

sherrymft — Wed, 16 Dec 2009 05:33:41 +0000

Prevent depression, anxiety, overwhelm, and many other pesky emotional problems by taking a long hard look at the thoughts that zip through your brain all day long. Start by becoming a compassionate observer of your thoughts. When something bothers you, pause and take a good listen to what is going through your mind. Write down the negative thoughts. For example, “I’ll never get this project done, my boss will always have one more thing for me to correct” and examine it. Right off the bat you might notice the word “never” and the word “always” in your negative thought. That is an example of a cognitive distortion called “all or nothing thinking”. If you challenge that thought (how true is that thought really?) you would have to at least acknowledge that you will probably be able to get the project done some time. Re-write the thought more realistically. “This project feels long and difficult, but it will get completed if I stick to it.” When you really stop and let the truth sink in – that you may feel the project will never end, but that of course, in reality, it will end at some point – you might notice your feelings begin to feel less stressed, overwhelmed or discouraged. This is a part of what we do when we use Cognitive Therapy with clients.

Positive thoughts don’t have to be pie in the sky thoughts. Keep them realistic and know that the power of your words/thoughts will help your brain bring about the proper actions to get these positive thoughts accomplished. We call this self-fulfilling prophecy. If you begin to change the things you think, your whole mind/body system will have to begin to change what it is doing to allow for the new thoughts and beliefs.

Here are some examples of positve and realistic thoughts: “I will make it through this difficult time, and when I do, I’m going to do something really nice for myself”, “I might not be very good at skiing right now, but if I keep practicing, it will become easier,” “My husband or wife might be spending too much money right now, but I can talk to them about it and things will begin to change”, “I might not want to get out of bed right now, but I know that once I get in the shower, I will begin to wake up and warm up.”

Insert your own positive thoughts here. Happy thinking.

Want a child’s behavior to change? Here’s how.

sherrymft — Thu, 10 Dec 2009 08:12:42 +0000

Are you tired of reminding your kids to pick up their stuff from the floor, brush their teeth, do their homework, and feed the cat/dog? Do you find yourself nagging them because they don’t remember to do these things on their own? There are two things that must happen to change this around. 1. you must communicate what the consequences will be clearly, up front, and then follow through with these consequences consistently. 2. you must reward good behavior and any behavior that gets closer to the desired behavior. You must catch your child doing something well.

Consequences should not be harsh but be “painful” enough to discourage non-compliance. For example, if you know your child really loves a specific computer game or t.v. show, you could tell them that they will be allowed to watch said show or play said game after they have complied with the rule(s). Stick to your guns no matter how they beg, plead and cry. If they did not follow through with the agreed upon rules/chores, you must do what you said you would do and remove the privilege of this game or show. Once they begin to see a pattern of consistent consequences, they will learn they cannot bend the rules without consequence.

Quite often verbal praise is a great “reward”. “Jonny, you did such a great job remembering to feed the cat this morning – and I didn’t even have to remind you. You are developing a wonderful habit of getting your chores done before play time.” At other times, an actual monetary reward is motivating. “Jonny, you have completed your morning chores 5 days in a row without being asked, I would like to compensate you $2.00 as a way of showing you how excited I am about the good habits you are developing.” Still other times, you can set up a specific chart with rewards and consequences and keep careful records. One reward that is a bit easier on the wallet, but carries a little more oomph than just verbal praise is rewarding your child with special time with you (his/her parent). You might take them to play a sport they like in the park or go swimming together at the local YMCA. You could take them on a weekend picnic with some of their favorite foods or have a special “spa” treatment with your daughter(s) where you paint eachother’s toenails and fingernails while chatting.

Kids love to spend time with their parents when the parent is relaxed and ENGAGED. In general, spend time with your child where you can give them your 100% attention for a certain period of time. Really listen to them as they talk about their friends, their likes/dislikes and ask questions about their changing tastes (new favorite color, favorite sport, their biggest life dream, etc.). Happy parents make happy children, so be sure to do whatever it takes to find some stress-free time to hang out with your dear child. Happy Parenting.

Preparing for Holiday Emotions

sherrymft — Sun, 06 Dec 2009 21:10:34 +0000

In the month of December, we are all preparing for holiday parties, family gatherings, gift-giving, and other celebratory things. Even if you are feeling excitment and anticipation about the holidays, these positive emotions can bring stress to our mind-body systems. Then there are the negative emotions that can be activated. Our family gatherings can bring up old memories of our role and position in our family, our sibling-rivalry, the never-ending quest for our parent’s approval . . . it can be very stressful.

To help deal with the stress of all these varied emotions, be sure to set aside at least 10 minutes each day for quiet meditation. Try journaling about things you are feeling, things you need or want to do, and when you feel a negative emotion get activated write yourself a kind, nurturing letter. When we learn to be kind to ourselves and give ourselves quiet, soothing time, it becomes easier and more natural to treat those around us with kindness and compassion.

This season is all about kindness and compassion. We give gifts to show others we are thinking about them and care about them. We prepare feasts to nourish our loved ones and gather around a table to talk, laugh, and share in traditions. We can know that God’s compassion can fill us so completely, that we can let that bubble over and flow into those around us, but only if we are taking time to let God’s love and compassion soak in. So, slow down, enjoy, savor each moment and keep your thoughts focused on God’s love and compassion for you this holiday season. Happy Holidays!

Economy’s effect on relationships

sherrymft — Mon, 23 Nov 2009 21:14:58 +0000

This past year has been a difficult one economically. Unfortunately, this has also taken a toll on our relationships. Marriages are strained, parent-child relationships are tense – especially with the upcoming holidays. Holidays typically mean buying food and gifts, throwing or attending parties. With the difficult economy, many people are feeling the pressure of having to cut back on expenses this year. Don’t let this rob you of your joy in your relationships. Regardless of the economy, we can do special things for our husbands, wives, children, siblings, parents, etc.

Spend extra time with eachother. Make it relaxed, like an outdoor stroll or a trip to a nearby park or beach to play, talk or de-stress. Use the time to get re-aquainted with eachother. Don’t talk about finances! Don’t talk about disagreements. Focus on making this time a special gift to really converse – to slow down and listen to eachother. Really hear what is going on in the other person’s life. Give yourself permission to listen without having to fix anything. And, respond – be vulnerable about your own life. Talk about your spirtual life, the meaning you find in your faith, the love you have in your heart for your family and friends.

Bottom line – don’t allow this difficult economy to wreck your relationships – they are what really matters!

Taming Anxiety

sherrymft — Thu, 12 Nov 2009 23:04:23 +0000

Thanksgiving is just around the corner and some of us may be dealing with a little pre-holiday anxiety. There is so much to plan and do to get ready for the big meal, the family gathering, and the decisions about how to divide your time among relatives. . . Help is at hand. Take time, maybe 10 to 15 minutes each day, starting now and do some deep breathing and meditating. Lay down or sit down, get comfortable, close your eyes and take 4 deep, cleansing breaths. After you return your breathing to its normal rhythm, picture yourself in a beautiful, safe place. Picture the details of this safe place with as much specificity as possible. Smell the freshness of the air, feel the warmth of the sun, hear the calling of birds or the breeze blowing gently through the trees. Picture yourself walking along in this safe place and enjoying the beauty and serenity there. Invite your anxieties to show up one at a time. Take a good look at each issue you are anxious about have a conversation with it. It might go something like this, “Hello tough decision. I am feeling anxious about you. I feel like I’m torn in that if I choose to spend Thanksgiving with my family, my husband’s family will be hurt. But, if I spend it with his family, my own family will be offended. I’m going to ask you, my tough decision, to fade into the background for a while so that I can relax and enjoy the true meaning of Thanksgiving – that is to pause and be grateful. Picture you anxiety about this decision floating out of your brain and body and dissipating into the air. Picture yourself being able to be grateful for the fact that you do have relatives and people in your life. Be grateful for your ability to sort through and make an even-handed decision that will be just right for you.

You can continue to picture each anxiety this way, and release it. Then bring yourself back to alertness slowly (or just drift off to sleep if it is bed time anyway). I wish you an anxiety-free Thanksgiving where you can truly shift your focus upon your blessings.